Depression

Depression.

When you hear that word tossed around nowadays, you don't really think anything of it. It seems like such a minor thing, to say that someone is depressed. Maybe you don't really understand the pain, or maybe you think they've stopped trying so you shouldn't try to help them.

I don't know.

All I do know is that depression feels like a thousand knifes going through your heart. Its a thousand screams echoing through your head that you try to block out, unsuccessfully, day after day. You know that the pain is real, that it's lying there waiting for you, and you're frightened of it. You try as hard as you can to block out the pain itself.

It never fully works. The pain is there, and some of it seeps through, where you can feel it. What hurts the most is when you try to block it out. Yet you know the fear of feeling the depression is waiting around the corner bend. 

You feel like you've filled yourself up with random nonsense things. You try not to feel it. Not just because of the pain, but you're afraid that it's the only thing there. Like if you let out all that you're holding in, there will be nothing left at all. 

I shouldn't feel down. I have everything I need to survive, and that is so much more than most people have, yet I cant help but feel cheated.

So here I sit, writing about nothing. This page is as empty as I feel. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant speak. I spend my time Staring into the darkness, not caring about anything in the world. Curled up in a ball, arms wrapped around my legs, head on my knees. One tear rolls down followed by another and another. I don't know why I am crying, I just cant stop.

Is the answer to take more pills? Pills that make you feel worse than your own actual feelings do? Ones that numb you to the outside world? Or is it better to just live and breathe and feel for yourself?

I wake up each morning knowing how lucky I am to be where I am. I have shelter, food, warmth, and wonderful friends. Why do I consistently feel this way? Is there an end to the sorrow and despair? 

Good days come fewer and farther between.

Still, I am trying.