As the Rain Falls

As the rain falls,

I sit and think

Think of all the things in my life

And wonder what I could make of it.

As the rain falls 

I go and dance

Reveling as the water hits my face

Feeling free

Feeling light,

Happy.

As the rain falls

My worries fall away with it,

Washing away the weight

That keeps me down.

As the rain falls

I smile

Because I am free

Because I am happy

As the rain falls

I dance 

For everything else is gone

Except

For the rain.

Blushing

Rose petals drift on the wind blushing pink as they swirl in their soft descent, Tiny and bruised, they curl up as if to protect their inner, velvet, scent... Yet it also escapes on the rays of the sun, A testament of where they now lay. Like myself, a woman in a fetal position, bruised yet so full of life, Waiting for the spirit inside to find its escape. It wonders like a roaming gypsy, laughing and dancing around the fire under a brilliant and full silver moon, Manic chants cast gleefully to the magic on the air, Creating new energies to revive. Its essence of what I am about, deep within, runs deep into the forest of hopes as too not be captured in a dying pose again. "She" likens herself to the roar and guttural purrs of a she-cat there, A black panther with green, heavy-lidded eyes stalking new realities, Ready for a new beginning, she awaits her prey, Feline, and stretching and relishing the hidden cover of the dark mists, and her green nest she now crouches in. Fast, she pounces and grabs with long, hooked claws to life as it tries to evade, stopping it to fulfill her desires. Her enchantment has won new sight over again, forever within her to once again become one with myself, the woman curled up like the rose petals, and too be a part of me again. A new rosebud with its blushing pink petals, hold strong within the grasp of its newborn hull. Strong and reborn from the old, the seeds of the past, Yet still soft and appealing to open again to a new day.

Bitter Remembrances

I had wished not to outlast this, but I have survived~
Searched coast to coast for my end, but
(I'm still alive)
Don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know there is
(nowhere left for me to hide)~
Only still I am forced to face it head on, begging it to consume me,
Instead I consume it in a matter of short time
(not short enough of time)
And it becomes a part of me, I will overcome every challenge I
intentionally had made
(except those with a purpose)
Made to destroy myself, immortality and nocturnity be the curse I
endure through
(Misanthropic flames)
I am the (Shadow), the night time shade, through sickness and
depression stand alone in the glade~
(once beautiful and green)
Scars on my wrists from an idle blade, my joy & physical health are
the only things that have been maimed
(now dead and dying with no hope)
But not enough to put an end to this (undesired survival), I am
consistently denied by the grim reaper~
(bastard that he is)
Watching the dissolving of all my favorite lovers, this accursed
life I fear, will never be over
(immortality is highly overrated)
Someday, after my four hundredth & seventy third birthday, after I
had spent those years a freelance rover~
(never to know true love)
And have done whatever I must in the name of survival, my
grandchildren nine times great, will then begin to wither
(insides and outside turning back into undesirable flesh)
I (dissolve in tears), eternal youth, yet my insides have all
decayed~
I do not wish to overcome any of these obstacles
(I myself had made)

Self Denial

....................

I so long to say those three stupid, loaded words. I yearn to tell you the truth.
But I cannot. Will not.

There's someone else for you. Another who holds you heart. In time I will come to accept that, but right now the pain is just too deep. A steady slow ache that blossoms from this empty breast.

My heart is gone, given to you in secret, left behind quietly, hidden away so you won’t notice it. So you will unknowingly carry it with you always.

I try to be there for you, to be everything you need from me. Simply that, nothing more, nothing less. But it is hard. It hurts. Knowing I am right in front of you and you do not see me stings, bruises my ego and breaks my heart.

Maybe I only feel for you because you were there to fill a gap, to make me smile and help put plasters on my heart. I never anticipated you leaving an enduring mark. Never thought you would leave an imprint of your lips upon my delicate heart.

But you did, and I can't help but wonder if the cruel Gods of fate laugh at me and mock my never ending bad luck.

I want you, yet I know you will never be mine.

You asked if I knew how it felt to have my heart broken. I said no, while whispering in my head, I sighed yes, as once again the image of your face haunted me.

I want to forget your face, I want to erase these feelings, but know that I cannot, and know that even if I could I would not. For no matter how heavy the burden of my pain, I will treasure the tender moments I have with you, and vainly hope that maybe one day, instead of seeing her, you'll see me.

By then it will be too late and I will be grateful for the time I did have. 

Longing

When unraveled,
these threads tie nothing down.

Each actor perceives,
attaches meaning,
and thus is born feeling.

Yet if we perceive
subjectivity,
and do not trust?

All feeling is strewn
like volumes unbound,
pages and pages
caught only by air.

Who are You?

I'm not perfect,
I'm not hot.
I'm not happy,
I'm just not.
I cry when you're not looking,
I'm not ok, just a bit unsure of what to feel,
I dont care what you say,
I just want to be me.
I'm not a follower and I won't follow you!
I wont let you run my life,
I wont let you lead me away.
I refuse to partake in your bullshit lies.
I'm loud, but I don't care!
Thats just me I'm insecure,
lost and a lil sad, but you dont care.
I'm not here for your entertainment, I'm not a game!
I like a little pain.
I'm addicted to dark things,
though it breaks me, I just cant get enough.
I love the thrill,
I'm not afraid of things that may harm me,
That's just me.
You may think you love me,
but I'm on a one-way road to death,
I'm just going my own way.
I don't care if I fall,
I don't care if I cry,
I don't care if I bleed to death,
I don't care what you do to me.
I won't care, but again,
That's just me!

Just To Tell You

Hello my dear,
Pull up a chair and sit right down.
Have you ever had a woman.
Speak to you words of love?
Whispers of desires, lustful passions
With fantasies thought out?
Before we will pursue,
We will take a break.
Have a cup of coffee or a tea.
Have a glass of beer or sweet wine.
Have a slice of strawberry pie,
With a dollop of whipped cream.
Take a taste,
If you want raspberries,
Without a thought
I will give you all.
I press raspberries into your right hand,
And blueberries into your left.
Curling your fingers,
Squeezing until the juice runs down your wrists,
I'll slide my tongue along your palms.
Do you like the taste?
Do you want more?
Don't shake your head!
Now we will go further.
Have you ever had a woman
Make passionate love totally to you?
To awaken your desires,
As she makes all your fantasies come true?
To map your soft body,
To massage your chest and your back,
With her hands and her tongue.
A kiss so soft but passionate,
And If that's not enough,
She kneels down.
Give her a song to sing.
It sweeps you off your feet.
Spending many hours,
Inspiring and sedating your lust.
Creating deep in your heart with love and trust,
To show that you'll never,
For a moment have to doubt,
Of devoted fidelity or what true hope is all about.
To be your best friend and more,
To be the architect of your smiles.
Is just one of her many roles,
Or helping you to reach for the stars.
And attaining all your goals.
Whatever you ask for,
Will be sealed with a kiss.
If you ever choose to risk trying,
A simple woman like me.
This is me, all I am,
All my heart will ever desire to pursue.
I can find in simply trusting you,
What else do I need to do?
To have you notice me?
So my dearest one, to you I write,
This poem to tell you.
The promise I have for you,
Ten thousand kisses I promise you,
With all of my hope multiplied by two.
Have I awoken your wonder?
Now it's all up to you,
The choice is yours...

Universal Laws

    UNIVERSAL LAWS Isn't it true?!?

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 

15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. 
------------------------------------------------------- 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 
---------------------------------- 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' 
----------------------------------- 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' 
He's still in intensive care. 

Am I too Lost to be Saved?

Through the haze of my open mind I looked unblinkingly through the window which was amazingly a view to the sea. In the distance, soft gray, black and white clouds, which merely seemed to pass through the beautiful vista. Pulling my gaze closer I could see her. Raven haired and wearing a long blue flowing gown, pleats in the skirt and an open back on it. Slender but not thin, her hair falling in waves down her back and blowing slightly. Delicately I watched her shiver in what was a near arctic wind, wondering where her cloak had been set. As I watched her, leafs of parchment fell from her hand and scattered in the gusty wind. She stood on my favorite sandbar, the tide churning around her feet.

I brushed my own hair out of my face and continued to watch her. There were small pieces of beach grass under her dress, this I knew from having walked the same path she was now treading. The moon hung low in the sky and the stars seemed as if they were pinned on. I narrowed my gaze trying to read the words on the paper she had just dropped. "Am I too lost to be saved?" The words jumped at me in a vibrant calligraphy. I ached for her, wondering the same thing often in my own life. I saw her as I would watch anything beautiful and mourned her as the scene played out before my eyes. Her body began to turn into a form of mist, dissipating within moments until nothing was left but the bits of paper scattered along the beach. 

Muttering to myself, I arose and walked out onto the back porch, bare footed and in nothing but a thin black silk robe, my hair unbound and messy. As I got close to each piece of paper they would disappear into thin air. There was not a wisp of ink left. When I reached the last piece, I expected it to vanish as well as the others. When I placed my hand upon it, I felt the crinkly texture beneath my fingertips. It was the piece that had said, "Am I too lost to be saved?" At the bottom scrawled in a blood red color was the most painful thing I've ever read. There was nothing but a simple word that read, "Yes." I knew then that she had disappeared into the sea never to be seen again. She had drowned herself in the sea upon carving that final word into the parchment. I knelt, the wind whipping angrily through my hair, and frowned as I saw the drops of red amongst the pale white of the sand. I found a quill, but no inkpot could be located. I knew then she had used her own blood.

The small self reflection that came out of the small trip I took traveling on another plane was more than I could bear. I pulled back into myself and awoke slowly and carefully. I breathed deeply bringing myself completely back and then with a steady hand pulled my arm up to look at myself and the bit of parchment still attached to my hand. It was blood soaked and I noticed the blood was mine.

Self Reflection is what defines me. If I am too lost to be saved, then let it be.

Depression

Depression.

When you hear that word tossed around nowadays, you don't really think anything of it. It seems like such a minor thing, to say that someone is depressed. Maybe you don't really understand the pain, or maybe you think they've stopped trying so you shouldn't try to help them.

I don't know.

All I do know is that depression feels like a thousand knifes going through your heart. Its a thousand screams echoing through your head that you try to block out, unsuccessfully, day after day. You know that the pain is real, that it's lying there waiting for you, and you're frightened of it. You try as hard as you can to block out the pain itself.

It never fully works. The pain is there, and some of it seeps through, where you can feel it. What hurts the most is when you try to block it out. Yet you know the fear of feeling the depression is waiting around the corner bend. 

You feel like you've filled yourself up with random nonsense things. You try not to feel it. Not just because of the pain, but you're afraid that it's the only thing there. Like if you let out all that you're holding in, there will be nothing left at all. 

I shouldn't feel down. I have everything I need to survive, and that is so much more than most people have, yet I cant help but feel cheated.

So here I sit, writing about nothing. This page is as empty as I feel. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant speak. I spend my time Staring into the darkness, not caring about anything in the world. Curled up in a ball, arms wrapped around my legs, head on my knees. One tear rolls down followed by another and another. I don't know why I am crying, I just cant stop.

Is the answer to take more pills? Pills that make you feel worse than your own actual feelings do? Ones that numb you to the outside world? Or is it better to just live and breathe and feel for yourself?

I wake up each morning knowing how lucky I am to be where I am. I have shelter, food, warmth, and wonderful friends. Why do I consistently feel this way? Is there an end to the sorrow and despair? 

Good days come fewer and farther between.

Still, I am trying.