I only know how to exist when I am wanted.

"Girls like us are hardly ever wanted, you know?"

That's how it feels in this world these days. Society deems who is worthy and who is not. If you don't have the money, the looks, the right social connections, the body of an ill conceived barbie. 

If you're not blonde, perfect, size 0, hair styled at a salon, nails perfectly manicured, you're not worth anything. 

I will never be any of that. I will never be a size zero, I will never be blonde, I think having my hair done at a salon is a waste, and I hate having manicured fingernails. Deemed by society, I shall never be worth anything to anyone. 

I say no. I say that my size 20, (yes 20) is perfect just the way I am.  I say my hazel eyes and brunette / red hair are perfect because I like the way they look. Remember this is important. I am worth more than who I sleep with.  Do I have things I don't like about myself? Of course, We all do.  But does that stop me from being truly happy? Not anymore. I have no need to fit into the social norm. 

Do I wonder if I fit in anywhere? Yes, yes I do. 

Do I wonder if I will ever be worth anything to anyone? Sometimes, when I'm feeling particuarly low. 

Do I know I have self worth? Absolutely. I am worth enough for myself. I am self contained. I am happy within myself with no other outside influence. I can look in the mirror and appreciate the way my body looks, lumpy and all. 

I look at all the tattoos on my skin and I smile as I remember why I choose each one. they all represent a piece of me. "Everything has a price." "Let's never die." The hearts and stars and paw prints, the mad hatter clock, the twilight page ripped out and inked on my skin. The feminine ivy that runs along my arms. The pagan triquetra on the base of my neck. The butterfly on my ankle that I can never have finished. 

I am worth more than the ink on my skin. I'm worth more than the people who have wronged me. I can rise above it. 

I have played russian roulette with death in my youth. I've learned to let it go. The pain, the anger, the fears, ... well most of the fears. The battle has been fought and won. I have moved beyond it. 

So do I need society to tell me I am okay in their eyes? No. (I'm sitting here shaking my head no as I type this.) Do I want my friends to accept me as I am? Absolutely! But I understand that they can't. That they want me to have longer hair, to lose weight, to be nicer, to be stronger, to be what they need me to be. I absolutely can understand that they want better / more for me. But its a wish, that I were just enough, just as I am. 

I want so many different things in my life. I've attained some of my goals. The home that I own, the great job that I love, the car that I enjoy driving. I'm searching for the american dream of no debt and owning things outright. I'm chasing it, I'm catching it. Sometimes it feels as If I'm chasing a greased pig. But I'm learning as I go.

I have to become like the 120 year old Pecan tree in the front yard of my house. Steady, Strong, able to tremble in the breeze, to take the lumps that fall from the sky, and to endure.

That's all we can hope for, that's all I hope for. To endure. To survive, to move forward with my life, even sometimes at a snail's pace.

I am just as I am. I am me. It is enough for me. Welcome to the shadows of my mind. I've missed writing what I think. It's your choice to read or not. There's no gun to your head, you do not have to respond, you do not have to read. As always I write for myself, to be able to come back in a year, or 5 and see how I've grown, because yes, I've grown. A lot. In the last 5 years I've made some colossal mistakes.  But I've endured, and I have grown. Perhaps not in size, but in spirit, in emotional stability, in love, in peace. I love making progress, purging the thoughts that crowd me, and hoping that maybe just that 0.0001% it may just help them too. Anyone. 

I do want someone to want me again someday. Someone who can look past the flaws and the imperfections, or maybe look directly at them and see that they make me who I am, and love me because of it, or inspite of it, but not use it as a means to pull me back down into the muck and mire. I don't need another person to make me complete. 

I love me. 

I hope you love you too. 

"Girl's like us are hardly ever wanted." 

As the Rain Falls

As the rain falls,

I sit and think

Think of all the things in my life

And wonder what I could make of it.

As the rain falls 

I go and dance

Reveling as the water hits my face

Feeling free

Feeling light,

Happy.

As the rain falls

My worries fall away with it,

Washing away the weight

That keeps me down.

As the rain falls

I smile

Because I am free

Because I am happy

As the rain falls

I dance 

For everything else is gone

Except

For the rain.

Blushing

Rose petals drift on the wind blushing pink as they swirl in their soft descent, Tiny and bruised, they curl up as if to protect their inner, velvet, scent... Yet it also escapes on the rays of the sun, A testament of where they now lay. Like myself, a woman in a fetal position, bruised yet so full of life, Waiting for the spirit inside to find its escape. It wonders like a roaming gypsy, laughing and dancing around the fire under a brilliant and full silver moon, Manic chants cast gleefully to the magic on the air, Creating new energies to revive. Its essence of what I am about, deep within, runs deep into the forest of hopes as too not be captured in a dying pose again. "She" likens herself to the roar and guttural purrs of a she-cat there, A black panther with green, heavy-lidded eyes stalking new realities, Ready for a new beginning, she awaits her prey, Feline, and stretching and relishing the hidden cover of the dark mists, and her green nest she now crouches in. Fast, she pounces and grabs with long, hooked claws to life as it tries to evade, stopping it to fulfill her desires. Her enchantment has won new sight over again, forever within her to once again become one with myself, the woman curled up like the rose petals, and too be a part of me again. A new rosebud with its blushing pink petals, hold strong within the grasp of its newborn hull. Strong and reborn from the old, the seeds of the past, Yet still soft and appealing to open again to a new day.

Bitter Remembrances

I had wished not to outlast this, but I have survived~
Searched coast to coast for my end, but
(I'm still alive)
Don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know there is
(nowhere left for me to hide)~
Only still I am forced to face it head on, begging it to consume me,
Instead I consume it in a matter of short time
(not short enough of time)
And it becomes a part of me, I will overcome every challenge I
intentionally had made
(except those with a purpose)
Made to destroy myself, immortality and nocturnity be the curse I
endure through
(Misanthropic flames)
I am the (Shadow), the night time shade, through sickness and
depression stand alone in the glade~
(once beautiful and green)
Scars on my wrists from an idle blade, my joy & physical health are
the only things that have been maimed
(now dead and dying with no hope)
But not enough to put an end to this (undesired survival), I am
consistently denied by the grim reaper~
(bastard that he is)
Watching the dissolving of all my favorite lovers, this accursed
life I fear, will never be over
(immortality is highly overrated)
Someday, after my four hundredth & seventy third birthday, after I
had spent those years a freelance rover~
(never to know true love)
And have done whatever I must in the name of survival, my
grandchildren nine times great, will then begin to wither
(insides and outside turning back into undesirable flesh)
I (dissolve in tears), eternal youth, yet my insides have all
decayed~
I do not wish to overcome any of these obstacles
(I myself had made)

Self Denial

....................

I so long to say those three stupid, loaded words. I yearn to tell you the truth.
But I cannot. Will not.

There's someone else for you. Another who holds you heart. In time I will come to accept that, but right now the pain is just too deep. A steady slow ache that blossoms from this empty breast.

My heart is gone, given to you in secret, left behind quietly, hidden away so you won’t notice it. So you will unknowingly carry it with you always.

I try to be there for you, to be everything you need from me. Simply that, nothing more, nothing less. But it is hard. It hurts. Knowing I am right in front of you and you do not see me stings, bruises my ego and breaks my heart.

Maybe I only feel for you because you were there to fill a gap, to make me smile and help put plasters on my heart. I never anticipated you leaving an enduring mark. Never thought you would leave an imprint of your lips upon my delicate heart.

But you did, and I can't help but wonder if the cruel Gods of fate laugh at me and mock my never ending bad luck.

I want you, yet I know you will never be mine.

You asked if I knew how it felt to have my heart broken. I said no, while whispering in my head, I sighed yes, as once again the image of your face haunted me.

I want to forget your face, I want to erase these feelings, but know that I cannot, and know that even if I could I would not. For no matter how heavy the burden of my pain, I will treasure the tender moments I have with you, and vainly hope that maybe one day, instead of seeing her, you'll see me.

By then it will be too late and I will be grateful for the time I did have. 

Longing

When unraveled,
these threads tie nothing down.

Each actor perceives,
attaches meaning,
and thus is born feeling.

Yet if we perceive
subjectivity,
and do not trust?

All feeling is strewn
like volumes unbound,
pages and pages
caught only by air.

Who are You?

I'm not perfect,
I'm not hot.
I'm not happy,
I'm just not.
I cry when you're not looking,
I'm not ok, just a bit unsure of what to feel,
I dont care what you say,
I just want to be me.
I'm not a follower and I won't follow you!
I wont let you run my life,
I wont let you lead me away.
I refuse to partake in your bullshit lies.
I'm loud, but I don't care!
Thats just me I'm insecure,
lost and a lil sad, but you dont care.
I'm not here for your entertainment, I'm not a game!
I like a little pain.
I'm addicted to dark things,
though it breaks me, I just cant get enough.
I love the thrill,
I'm not afraid of things that may harm me,
That's just me.
You may think you love me,
but I'm on a one-way road to death,
I'm just going my own way.
I don't care if I fall,
I don't care if I cry,
I don't care if I bleed to death,
I don't care what you do to me.
I won't care, but again,
That's just me!