I realize I’m not the nicest person in the world. In fact I’m so far removed from that it’s pretty ridiculous. I spend my days finding new ways to be a bitch. I can’t expect for everyone to like me, or to even want to be around me at all. I shouldn’t be surprised when people find something more entertaining in the world to take up their time. Yet, often I find myself beyond surprised and even hurt by it.
I don’t adapt to change well. I fight it tooth and nail along the way, being dragged along like a worn out toy that has lost much of its stuffing. Yet I DO adapt given time. I treat everyone equally with disdain. Though, it seems that some of you managed to get under the tough exterior that I force around myself like a cloak. It’s not easy, yet I appreciate the effort. I would imagine that most of you have never seen me show serious emotion other than temper. You don’t see that I get hurt easily by those who are close to me. I don’t let you see how easily it can be to wound me with something simple enough as a word, or a disappearance in my life. I like things to stay constant. I get used to things being a certain way and when they are changed or moved around it upsets me.
My life has never been constant. Never been anything that I could control or keep to heart. So now that I am older I find myself the puppet master. Only some of my marionettes have cut their own strings and walked away. I can’t blame them. They have far more interesting things to do in their lives than spend time putting on a show for me. I was told tonight that I’m selfish, domineering and uncontrollable. I agree with all of these sentiments. Why? Because that’s what I let everyone see. I stay unpredictable, but even so, my moods, my life stay constant. I don’t vary anything. I treat everyone equally. If I pick on one of you, I pick on all of you. I don’t do it full of spite and anger, but in teasing and fun. It’s a way of getting you to dance. Of seeing what you’re made out of.
In the last 2 months I’ve pushed everyone away. Every single person who was in my life has gone their own way. I maintain as little contact as necessary to allow them to live their lives however they see fit without my interference or help. Some I pushed away with my life story. Some I pushed away because I’m incredibly depressed and don’t want to bring them down. Some I just gave up on when they walked out of my life for reasons still unknown to me. I’ve managed to isolate myself once more. I say it often that I don’t require simple human comfort. I truly don’t. Yet in a way I’m pleased when my friends make me hug them. Even though I grumble about it and say how much I hate it, it’s nice to know that they still care enough to try. They still force those personal boundaries I set for everyone else. They push me to accept it and in fact be pleased by it.
I’m not an easy person. I am selfish, I’m demanding, and I have an extremely rough exterior.
For 7 years someone ruled my life. Every moment, every though, every action, almost down to the breath I took each moment. Before that another ruled my life though with a much gentler hand. From the moment I walked away from that relationship 2 years ago, I knew I would never allow myself to go through that again. I would never give my heart to anyone to rip to shreds and ruin me. It’s taken me 2 years to even begin to overcome it. That’s 2 years of my life I will never get back. Years of just trying to survive long enough to figure out what I’m surviving for.
Even thinking about it, writing it down, talking about it, I shake so badly I feel as if I will be ripped apart. Yet, still somehow, I crave it. I want the rules to never change. I want to know the consequences of my actions before I even contemplate them. I like rules. I like consistency. I abhor emotions, feeling weak and fearful. I can’t tolerate even THINKING I’ve been abandoned by anyone. It rips me to shreds and makes me defensive. I find myself snappy and being hurtful to those I’m closest too. Instead of understanding as I thought they would, things have been driven so far beyond what I thought I don’t know how to get them back anymore. I don’t know how to undo what I’ve done, and I can’t change how I feel. I just can’t. If I’m honest with myself, which I generally am, I can’t help but think this is how I’m conditioned to feel.
I have reasons to feel the way I am, I know this. But it doesn’t change anything. I can’t just wave the magic wand and fix it. I can’t talk about it because I get defensive and say hurtful things. I just feel the way I do. Then I seem to need a blood price to fix it. That never seems to go over very well either. People don’t understand and ridiculing me about it doesn’t make it any easier. I’d stop if I could.
All in all, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m writing things down as they come to me and perhaps they won’t make any sense to you at all. That’s okay. It doesn’t make much to me either right now. But When I read it again later, perhaps it will.
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