Musing Out Loud

Thoughts I've had lately, and they spilled out onto paper in a letter that I will never send....

Life is about living in the here and now. About facing those uncertainties no matter what the cost of doing so. Life is about plunging ahead sometimes and worrying about the consequences later. That is what it means to live. I'm not perfect, dear god far from it, but I'm who I am because of choices I made. Whether they were good or bad, they shaped and formed the person I am today. Sometimes I hate that person so much that I wish I could just erase her from the mirror. But its who I am. Its the person inside of me. The outside, ha, that's just a shell. An imperfect body housing an imperfect soul. Its not particularly pretty or anything fancy to look at. Its overweight and fraught with freckles. Its dangerous to look inside ourselves sometimes.

The things we see are not exactly what we want to see. And sometimes we don't know how to change what we do see into something that is positive. We wonder how on earth things became this way. What was the critical decision that was made that turned us into what we are looking at in the mirror. Was it that new makeup I tried that made me feel good about myself? Every minute thing we do changes us. Outside influences change us as well. How people perceive us. How they worry about us. How they can form an opinion just by looking at us and deciding that we are not the kind of person they want to be around. How on earth can we even think we have a chance at succeeding when people can form an opinion of us in seconds.

When you look in the mirror, sometimes you see a reflection of a you that you are proud of. Someone who is pretty and confident and social. Other times you look in the mirror and go, "dear god what is that thing looking back at me". What have I done to her to make her look back at me with those haunted eyes. That's when you know you've been backed into a corner. You have to take the time to be gentle with yourself. Pull yourself out of whatever horror you are feeling and recoup within. A trusted friend reminds me of that often. "Be gentle with yourself". Its not the easiest thing in the world you know. Yet its still so true. Take the time to relax in a bubble bath, or give yourself an hour off from a busy day to just relax and listen to music with nothing else to do.

Sickness comes in all forms. Physical, mental... some are curable and some aren't. You have to just go with it and do the best you can sometimes.

Stupidity- something we all feel from time to time. Its one of those plagues on society that remind us that we are not omnipotent and that we make mistakes, and you know what? Its okay!

Head hurts - I'm sorry but in the last week my head has felt like it was going to explode. I wished to die last Friday. Nearly got my wish thanks to the hospital E.R. Friends were worried and scared for me. Stupid me.

Stomach hurts - Everything I taste.. tastes like metal. But Applesauce. Try Applesauce. I don't know why, but its the only thing I can eat right now.

Frustration - A feeling of not getting things accomplished. Sometimes you have to step back and look at all you've already done. Realize you're only one person and sometimes you just can't get everything done at once. Give yourself some downtime.

Scared. I'm scared all the time. Of Everything. I understand it. I try to break free from it but other times I just want to lock myself in the room and not come out. Careful not to become an agoraphobic. Leaving the house just has to be done sometimes. Facing your fears is the best way to conquer them.

Lonely. I thought I knew the meaning of loneliness until recently. I've been more lonely in the last few months than I have in 10 years. Its overwhelming. Trying to find the courage to talk to people to tell them. Trying to overcome that feeling of just being alone. And yet sometimes wanting so badly to be alone that its crushing.

Crying. You know me. I don't cry. I don't allow myself that privlige often. I find that crying only increases my problems because then people worry about me more. Yet between me and you I've been crying on the inside for years. Only recently have I broke down and actually started crying in front of people I barely know. Just because life is so overwhelming and I get drawn into things that I have no control over and I'm frustrated with myself.

I'm praying. On this one. I pray. Just not to the normal deity most pray to. I understand the need to pray to a higher power. Make the wishes, join the fan club. This is something private and not really anything I can share with anyone.

Feeling Forgotten - I feel that often. Don't feel alone in that at all. Sometimes on days when my phone is silent, I realize how truly alone I am. Of course I have friends, of course they care. But everyone has their own lives an uniquely each of us is so wrapped up in ourselves we forget other people until something reminds us.

This was something I wrote to someone dear to my heart. Its something I've been thinking of for days and the reason for my silence and distance from all of you. I hurt where it can't be healed and I'm afraid in ways that can't be soothed. All I can ask is that you just bear with me as I go through whatever it is I'm going through and understand that sometimes I just can't talk about it. I'm trying to change myself for the better and its a long lonely road to doing so. Dieting makes me snappy and the meds I'm on make me vicious. I apologize for all of this now. Call me out on it if you feel I'm being unnaturally cruel to someone one. I'm doing my best. I promise.