If I were to be Honest

What if I were to write and tell you everything that is in my heart? Would you run from me? As fast and as far as humanly possible. Would you turn away from me as so many others have before at the depths of emotions contained within. Would you treat me differently or stay away from me? There's no answers to any of these questions.

Because I can't ever really truly be honest. Not in the small sense, in the small everyday minutes of life, I'm always honest. Its too easy to sense when I'm not. I'm a horrible liar. Everyone always knows.

But I mean that deep down abiding fear of being totally honest because you know the minute you do everyone will walk away from you. To expose a black heart to the light and let it even begin to heal into those putrid shades of pink. This is the honesty I'm referring to.

The deep loves, and hates and fears. The things that are so deep rooted from childhood and being a teenager. The fear of being abandoned or of being alone for the rest of your life. Not the "oh i don't have a girlfriend" being alone. Yet being utterly and completely alone without anyone else in the world. It can happen. I've seen it first hand. The old folks in the homes with nobody there but a nurse at the end of their lives when the last breath is taken.

The love that overwhelms and basically kills you inside because you cannot share it in a way that other people understand. It becomes a driving need. It pushes people away. The fears of the dark. Of the things that could get you while you are alone. Stupid childish fears that were never taken into account and taken care of. The fear of losing a sense of touch, or sight. Two things I wouldn't ever want to live with out.

Honesty? You can't handle it. Its out there now however and what you do with it is your choice. Love me or leave me. Either way, I can't let you hurt me anymore.

If I were to be honest
I'd tell the ones I love
That I love them.

I'd apologize for the lies
I'd thank them for being who they are.
And over and over, I'd tell them I love them.

If i were being honest,
I tell the ones I despise
That I can't stand them.

I'd stop putting on fronts
Trying not to hurt feelings
and tell them to go away.

If I were being honest
I'd have to be honest to myself
and I'd admit I want to be alone.

If I were being honest
I say thank you more often.
Instead of just walking away.

If I were being honest
I'd stand up for my beliefs.
I would say whats on my mind.

but most of all,
If I were being honest;
I'd tell her how much I've been hurt.