Just To Tell You

Hello my dear,
Pull up a chair and sit right down.
Have you ever had a woman.
Speak to you words of love?
Whispers of desires, lustful passions
With fantasies thought out?
Before we will pursue,
We will take a break.
Have a cup of coffee or a tea.
Have a glass of beer or sweet wine.
Have a slice of strawberry pie,
With a dollop of whipped cream.
Take a taste,
If you want raspberries,
Without a thought
I will give you all.
I press raspberries into your right hand,
And blueberries into your left.
Curling your fingers,
Squeezing until the juice runs down your wrists,
I'll slide my tongue along your palms.
Do you like the taste?
Do you want more?
Don't shake your head!
Now we will go further.
Have you ever had a woman
Make passionate love totally to you?
To awaken your desires,
As she makes all your fantasies come true?
To map your soft body,
To massage your chest and your back,
With her hands and her tongue.
A kiss so soft but passionate,
And If that's not enough,
She kneels down.
Give her a song to sing.
It sweeps you off your feet.
Spending many hours,
Inspiring and sedating your lust.
Creating deep in your heart with love and trust,
To show that you'll never,
For a moment have to doubt,
Of devoted fidelity or what true hope is all about.
To be your best friend and more,
To be the architect of your smiles.
Is just one of her many roles,
Or helping you to reach for the stars.
And attaining all your goals.
Whatever you ask for,
Will be sealed with a kiss.
If you ever choose to risk trying,
A simple woman like me.
This is me, all I am,
All my heart will ever desire to pursue.
I can find in simply trusting you,
What else do I need to do?
To have you notice me?
So my dearest one, to you I write,
This poem to tell you.
The promise I have for you,
Ten thousand kisses I promise you,
With all of my hope multiplied by two.
Have I awoken your wonder?
Now it's all up to you,
The choice is yours...

Universal Laws

    UNIVERSAL LAWS Isn't it true?!?

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.. 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 

15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. 
------------------------------------------------------- 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 
---------------------------------- 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' 
----------------------------------- 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' 
He's still in intensive care. 

Am I too Lost to be Saved?

Through the haze of my open mind I looked unblinkingly through the window which was amazingly a view to the sea. In the distance, soft gray, black and white clouds, which merely seemed to pass through the beautiful vista. Pulling my gaze closer I could see her. Raven haired and wearing a long blue flowing gown, pleats in the skirt and an open back on it. Slender but not thin, her hair falling in waves down her back and blowing slightly. Delicately I watched her shiver in what was a near arctic wind, wondering where her cloak had been set. As I watched her, leafs of parchment fell from her hand and scattered in the gusty wind. She stood on my favorite sandbar, the tide churning around her feet.

I brushed my own hair out of my face and continued to watch her. There were small pieces of beach grass under her dress, this I knew from having walked the same path she was now treading. The moon hung low in the sky and the stars seemed as if they were pinned on. I narrowed my gaze trying to read the words on the paper she had just dropped. "Am I too lost to be saved?" The words jumped at me in a vibrant calligraphy. I ached for her, wondering the same thing often in my own life. I saw her as I would watch anything beautiful and mourned her as the scene played out before my eyes. Her body began to turn into a form of mist, dissipating within moments until nothing was left but the bits of paper scattered along the beach. 

Muttering to myself, I arose and walked out onto the back porch, bare footed and in nothing but a thin black silk robe, my hair unbound and messy. As I got close to each piece of paper they would disappear into thin air. There was not a wisp of ink left. When I reached the last piece, I expected it to vanish as well as the others. When I placed my hand upon it, I felt the crinkly texture beneath my fingertips. It was the piece that had said, "Am I too lost to be saved?" At the bottom scrawled in a blood red color was the most painful thing I've ever read. There was nothing but a simple word that read, "Yes." I knew then that she had disappeared into the sea never to be seen again. She had drowned herself in the sea upon carving that final word into the parchment. I knelt, the wind whipping angrily through my hair, and frowned as I saw the drops of red amongst the pale white of the sand. I found a quill, but no inkpot could be located. I knew then she had used her own blood.

The small self reflection that came out of the small trip I took traveling on another plane was more than I could bear. I pulled back into myself and awoke slowly and carefully. I breathed deeply bringing myself completely back and then with a steady hand pulled my arm up to look at myself and the bit of parchment still attached to my hand. It was blood soaked and I noticed the blood was mine.

Self Reflection is what defines me. If I am too lost to be saved, then let it be.

Depression

Depression.

When you hear that word tossed around nowadays, you don't really think anything of it. It seems like such a minor thing, to say that someone is depressed. Maybe you don't really understand the pain, or maybe you think they've stopped trying so you shouldn't try to help them.

I don't know.

All I do know is that depression feels like a thousand knifes going through your heart. Its a thousand screams echoing through your head that you try to block out, unsuccessfully, day after day. You know that the pain is real, that it's lying there waiting for you, and you're frightened of it. You try as hard as you can to block out the pain itself.

It never fully works. The pain is there, and some of it seeps through, where you can feel it. What hurts the most is when you try to block it out. Yet you know the fear of feeling the depression is waiting around the corner bend. 

You feel like you've filled yourself up with random nonsense things. You try not to feel it. Not just because of the pain, but you're afraid that it's the only thing there. Like if you let out all that you're holding in, there will be nothing left at all. 

I shouldn't feel down. I have everything I need to survive, and that is so much more than most people have, yet I cant help but feel cheated.

So here I sit, writing about nothing. This page is as empty as I feel. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant speak. I spend my time Staring into the darkness, not caring about anything in the world. Curled up in a ball, arms wrapped around my legs, head on my knees. One tear rolls down followed by another and another. I don't know why I am crying, I just cant stop.

Is the answer to take more pills? Pills that make you feel worse than your own actual feelings do? Ones that numb you to the outside world? Or is it better to just live and breathe and feel for yourself?

I wake up each morning knowing how lucky I am to be where I am. I have shelter, food, warmth, and wonderful friends. Why do I consistently feel this way? Is there an end to the sorrow and despair? 

Good days come fewer and farther between.

Still, I am trying.

If You Could Read My Mind

If you could read my mind, you wouldn't like me anymore.

My specialty is words. Manipulating the means of communication we use to tell you what you want to hear most; if you could read my mind you would know that. You would know that you were being played.

What's the point of playing someone who knows they are being played? Well, there's the game itself of course. There's the pleasure of watching someone who knows exactly what they are doing, who knows they are descending every step of the way down, and yet still can't muster the willpower to stop. It wouldn't matter if you could read my mind in that case, but gloating in public is so unseemly.

If you could read my mind, you'd go mad.

My mind is not a friendly place. It is full of ravening insecurities, voracious appetites, strange thoughts and imaginings that do not resemble Earth logic, Vulcan logic, or anything rational minds (human or otherwise) have ever comprehended. It is something Escher might have created had he collaborated with Stephen King and David Lynch. It is crude, ruled by the viscera, and barely controlled.

I think it's probably a good thing that you can't, don't you?

If I were to be Honest

What if I were to write and tell you everything that is in my heart? Would you run from me? As fast and as far as humanly possible. Would you turn away from me as so many others have before at the depths of emotions contained within. Would you treat me differently or stay away from me? There's no answers to any of these questions.

Because I can't ever really truly be honest. Not in the small sense, in the small everyday minutes of life, I'm always honest. Its too easy to sense when I'm not. I'm a horrible liar. Everyone always knows.

But I mean that deep down abiding fear of being totally honest because you know the minute you do everyone will walk away from you. To expose a black heart to the light and let it even begin to heal into those putrid shades of pink. This is the honesty I'm referring to.

The deep loves, and hates and fears. The things that are so deep rooted from childhood and being a teenager. The fear of being abandoned or of being alone for the rest of your life. Not the "oh i don't have a girlfriend" being alone. Yet being utterly and completely alone without anyone else in the world. It can happen. I've seen it first hand. The old folks in the homes with nobody there but a nurse at the end of their lives when the last breath is taken.

The love that overwhelms and basically kills you inside because you cannot share it in a way that other people understand. It becomes a driving need. It pushes people away. The fears of the dark. Of the things that could get you while you are alone. Stupid childish fears that were never taken into account and taken care of. The fear of losing a sense of touch, or sight. Two things I wouldn't ever want to live with out.

Honesty? You can't handle it. Its out there now however and what you do with it is your choice. Love me or leave me. Either way, I can't let you hurt me anymore.

If I were to be honest
I'd tell the ones I love
That I love them.

I'd apologize for the lies
I'd thank them for being who they are.
And over and over, I'd tell them I love them.

If i were being honest,
I tell the ones I despise
That I can't stand them.

I'd stop putting on fronts
Trying not to hurt feelings
and tell them to go away.

If I were being honest
I'd have to be honest to myself
and I'd admit I want to be alone.

If I were being honest
I say thank you more often.
Instead of just walking away.

If I were being honest
I'd stand up for my beliefs.
I would say whats on my mind.

but most of all,
If I were being honest;
I'd tell her how much I've been hurt.

Musing Out Loud

Thoughts I've had lately, and they spilled out onto paper in a letter that I will never send....

Life is about living in the here and now. About facing those uncertainties no matter what the cost of doing so. Life is about plunging ahead sometimes and worrying about the consequences later. That is what it means to live. I'm not perfect, dear god far from it, but I'm who I am because of choices I made. Whether they were good or bad, they shaped and formed the person I am today. Sometimes I hate that person so much that I wish I could just erase her from the mirror. But its who I am. Its the person inside of me. The outside, ha, that's just a shell. An imperfect body housing an imperfect soul. Its not particularly pretty or anything fancy to look at. Its overweight and fraught with freckles. Its dangerous to look inside ourselves sometimes.

The things we see are not exactly what we want to see. And sometimes we don't know how to change what we do see into something that is positive. We wonder how on earth things became this way. What was the critical decision that was made that turned us into what we are looking at in the mirror. Was it that new makeup I tried that made me feel good about myself? Every minute thing we do changes us. Outside influences change us as well. How people perceive us. How they worry about us. How they can form an opinion just by looking at us and deciding that we are not the kind of person they want to be around. How on earth can we even think we have a chance at succeeding when people can form an opinion of us in seconds.

When you look in the mirror, sometimes you see a reflection of a you that you are proud of. Someone who is pretty and confident and social. Other times you look in the mirror and go, "dear god what is that thing looking back at me". What have I done to her to make her look back at me with those haunted eyes. That's when you know you've been backed into a corner. You have to take the time to be gentle with yourself. Pull yourself out of whatever horror you are feeling and recoup within. A trusted friend reminds me of that often. "Be gentle with yourself". Its not the easiest thing in the world you know. Yet its still so true. Take the time to relax in a bubble bath, or give yourself an hour off from a busy day to just relax and listen to music with nothing else to do.

Sickness comes in all forms. Physical, mental... some are curable and some aren't. You have to just go with it and do the best you can sometimes.

Stupidity- something we all feel from time to time. Its one of those plagues on society that remind us that we are not omnipotent and that we make mistakes, and you know what? Its okay!

Head hurts - I'm sorry but in the last week my head has felt like it was going to explode. I wished to die last Friday. Nearly got my wish thanks to the hospital E.R. Friends were worried and scared for me. Stupid me.

Stomach hurts - Everything I taste.. tastes like metal. But Applesauce. Try Applesauce. I don't know why, but its the only thing I can eat right now.

Frustration - A feeling of not getting things accomplished. Sometimes you have to step back and look at all you've already done. Realize you're only one person and sometimes you just can't get everything done at once. Give yourself some downtime.

Scared. I'm scared all the time. Of Everything. I understand it. I try to break free from it but other times I just want to lock myself in the room and not come out. Careful not to become an agoraphobic. Leaving the house just has to be done sometimes. Facing your fears is the best way to conquer them.

Lonely. I thought I knew the meaning of loneliness until recently. I've been more lonely in the last few months than I have in 10 years. Its overwhelming. Trying to find the courage to talk to people to tell them. Trying to overcome that feeling of just being alone. And yet sometimes wanting so badly to be alone that its crushing.

Crying. You know me. I don't cry. I don't allow myself that privlige often. I find that crying only increases my problems because then people worry about me more. Yet between me and you I've been crying on the inside for years. Only recently have I broke down and actually started crying in front of people I barely know. Just because life is so overwhelming and I get drawn into things that I have no control over and I'm frustrated with myself.

I'm praying. On this one. I pray. Just not to the normal deity most pray to. I understand the need to pray to a higher power. Make the wishes, join the fan club. This is something private and not really anything I can share with anyone.

Feeling Forgotten - I feel that often. Don't feel alone in that at all. Sometimes on days when my phone is silent, I realize how truly alone I am. Of course I have friends, of course they care. But everyone has their own lives an uniquely each of us is so wrapped up in ourselves we forget other people until something reminds us.

This was something I wrote to someone dear to my heart. Its something I've been thinking of for days and the reason for my silence and distance from all of you. I hurt where it can't be healed and I'm afraid in ways that can't be soothed. All I can ask is that you just bear with me as I go through whatever it is I'm going through and understand that sometimes I just can't talk about it. I'm trying to change myself for the better and its a long lonely road to doing so. Dieting makes me snappy and the meds I'm on make me vicious. I apologize for all of this now. Call me out on it if you feel I'm being unnaturally cruel to someone one. I'm doing my best. I promise.